(Torah Portion: Tvaz)

Passover 5773: Bride and Groom at the Seder

As the festive Holiday of Pesach is quickly approaching, it is imperative that we do our preparations around the house, and of course turn over the kitchen and pantry to a Pesach and Chametz free mode.

There is another area that requires preparation and focus; the major “sales meeting” that we will be presenting this coming Monday and Tuesday night.

The proven and enduring product that we have to offer, is called, Judaism. The Seder filled and saturated with Mitzvos, customs and an unbroken chain of tradition and practice going back to the major event of our miraculous Exodus from Egypt 3325 years ago, is a product like no other. However, like everything else, it requires time to organize one’s thoughts to prepare so that the participants at the Seder ‘sales meeting’ come out inspired, recharged and with a refreshed and rejuvenated desire to keep Judaism, its ideals, and G-dly mandate, alive! It would be worth our time to take a few moments to review the Hagadah and Seder.

Allow me to share with you an interesting and novel idea regarding the connection of the Pesach Seder to the traditions of wedding! I shared these thoughts last year with family and friends and misplaced my notes. I thank my son Chaim for helping me out by recalling certain aspects of the presentation.

The Talmud relates that the law is that one may not eat Matzah during the day of Erev Pesach – (Monday). The reason for this is so that we have a fresh appetite to enjoy and fulfill the Mitzvah of eating Matzah at the Seder.

The Talmud makes the following comment: One who eats Matzah on Erev Pesach is as if he was intimate with his intended bride prior to his wedding in the house of his in-laws. The equation of restraining from eating Matza on Erev Pesach to the discipline towards one’s bride is expanded on by the great commentator, Levush. The Levush tells us that just as seven blessings are recited at a marriage before intimacy is allowed. So too, there are seven blessings recited at the Seder before we partake in eating the Matzah.

Toward the end of the Seder we traditionally open the door and welcome Elijah the Prophet. How can a pure angel such as Elijah join with human beings who may have some residue of sin? The Bnai Yissochar explains that just as Elijah comes to every Bris – circumcision, where our tradition teaches us that the participants are atoned from their sins. So too, on the Seder night, we are forgiven for our sins – just like a bride and groom are forgiven for their sins on the day of their wedding. Thus it is a comfortable setting for Elijah to join us.

Thus we see in the words of our Sages that the Seder is compared to a bride and groom and a wedding ceremony. This piqued my interest to find other similarities between our Seder and a bride and groom.

Firstly, Seder means order, and the one who officiates a marriage is called a M’Sader Kidushin. Traditionally, the bride and groom fast on the day of their wedding, and there is a fast for the first born males on Erev Pesach.

A bride and groom are likened to a king and queen on their wedding day. So too, we display ourselves in a royal fashion at the Seder, i.e. reclining as kings.

A groom dons a white Kittel robe. So too, the married men wear a Kittel at the Seder.

The first step of the Seder is Kadash (over wine). When one betroths his wife it is called Kidushin.

Another step of the Seder is Urchatz – to wash. A bride immerses in a ritual Mikveh before she gets married.

A step of the Seder is to break the middle of the three Matzos. A plate is traditionally broken by the mothers of the bride and groom after the reading of the Tenaiim – engagement document.

An egg is present on our Seder plate, which represents a Chagigah sacrifice but also is a reminder of our mourning over the destruction of the Temple. At the conclusion of the Chupah, a glass is broken for this reason as well.

During the course of a marriage ceremony under the Chupah two cups of wine are used, and at the conclusion of the wedding when the Sheva Brochos are recited by grace after meals another two cups of wine are used. We too drink four cups of wine throughout the Seder.

Okay this might be a long shot…the traditional hand baked matzos are round in the shape of a ring.

There are witnesses at the wedding ceremony. So too, at our Seder, there are witnesses. Parents, grandparents and even great-grandparents who are in attendance bear testimony that all the Pesach traditions, laws and historical information is real for they experienced and witnessed their ancestors doing the same.

Salt water represents the tears of our ancestors. It is not uncommon that tears are shed at a wedding ceremony in remembrance of the departed.

On the Seder plate we have Charoses – which is a remembrance for bricks and mortar the Jews made in Egypt. We traditionally wish the bride and groom to “Build an upstanding house within the Jewish People.”

Many family members and guests attend a wedding along with much singing. The Seder is quite well attended and celebrated with Hallel – song and praise. (Traditionally, at the conclusion of our Seder, we dance to ‘Next year in Jerusalem.’as well.)

The Ketubah – marriage document which delineates marital obligations of the groom is read and presented to the bride at the Chupah. In a sense, the Hagadah is a document that details our responsibilities, history and commitment as a Jew.

The Talmud tells us that a major component of the wedding festivities are words or speeches that one shares extolling the virtues of the bride and groom and reflect on the family they came from. This is usually done during the seven days of festivities after the wedding. At the Seder we speak of the history of the making of our nation, including our forefathers Avraham, Yitzchok and Yaacov; twelve tribes etc. and our commitment and responsibilities as Jews.

So how does Morror – bitter herbs fit in with a wedding? During the course of a couple’s lives they may be met with some bitterness or challenges. The way to handle it is by following the next step of the Seder, Korech – the sandwich of Matzah and Morror with a dip of the sweet Charoses. The message is that we are to put things into perspective. Face the challenge and envelop it with recalling the good times – the freedom of Matzah, and the virtues and sweetness of which you have shared in the past and carry it with you in the future.

Of course a festive meal is served at a wedding and is one of the 15 steps of the Seder as well.

The Pascal lamb was the sacrifice that was eaten at the time we now eat our Afikomen – our desert after the meal. Sacrifice, forgoing and compromise on one’s ego, opinion and position for the sake of Shalom – is a necessary component of a happy marriage.

Of course, just as at a wedding there are gifts, the taker of the Afikomen is traditionally awarded with a gift.

Finally, the last step of the Hagadah is Nirtzah – we ask G-d that our Seder involvement and participation should be pleasant and accepted and we thank Him for all He does for us.

Compliments and appreciation towards one’s spouse is a key ingredient to a successful and enduring marriage, especially with all the hard work that our wives put in to make this wonderful holiday happen!

Wishing you a restful, peaceful
and inspirational Shabbos!
Rabbi Dovid Saks

Chometz may be eaten on
Monday March 25th until 10:41 a.m.

Chometz is to be burned by 11:55 a.m.